Posted by pauline 6 Comments

I am Telling You Everything About My Bulimia Story…

 

my bulimia story

As many of you know, I’ve recently moved house (and country)… And if travelling pushes you out of your comfort zone, I can tell you that I’ve expanded mine hugely these past years and learned A LOT from it.

 

But I’ll talk to you about that another day…

 

Today I want to share some very deep and personal things about me and my bulimia story that I never thought I would share with anyone. Never ever!

 

Are you sometimes thinking that you’d never be able to fully recover from your eating issues?

 

Then read on because what I am about to tell you might just change the way you see things (including beliefs about what’s possible for you or not).

 

 

Here Is Everything About My Bulimia Story…

 

When packing stuffs to move to Malta these past weeks, I had to go back into boxes I left in Belgium before going to Australia about 5 years ago. What I found in there actually turned out into a big reality check (like BIG!).

 

I re-discovered all the books I had about eating disorders and bulimia recovery. All written by Doctors, Psychotherapists and Therapists (who never had any eating disorder by the way) about what to do and how to recover. I also found notebooks I kept to write down everything I ate (under the instructions of these self-help / recovery methods from the books).

 

In these notebooks, I had different columns that said what I ate, on what day and what time, if I binged, if I purged and all the thoughts and feelings that accompanied my experience.

 

It was incredible to read that and dive into the suffering I was going through once again. Most days, I was binging and purging 4 to 5 times despite my best efforts!!!

 

Over a month, I happened to get maybe one or two ‘good days’. These good days where days with only one or two binge and purge episodes. I even wrote down how proud I was about these ‘good days’.

 

Man, it was more than 5 years ago but just the fact to write that down and share this with you today feels like a punch in my stomach.

 

Going through this again through my notes was a total shock for me. I realised how lost and lonely I was facing this illness, how deep I was in this dark hole and how strong my pain was. Even though it remained silent at all costs.

 

I was lying to my loved ones just to keep it secret and be able to handle my binge urges (with food obviously). The shame and the guilt were so important that I was unable to speak about it. The few times I tried, the words weren’t able to leave my mouth and tears were pouring on my face like a river.

 

Everyday, I was trying to finish work earlier to have enough time alone between my work day and my evenings with my love. I was hiding food in my house to make sure I always had something if I needed to. I couldn’t stay alone without having to binge. I couldn’t even have a proper meal with my loved ones. I was bingeing on everything I could put my hands on and then throwing that up automatically when my stomach was ready to explode.

 

I was suffering so much that I was forced to be self-centred if I wanted to manage my illness. I couldn’t see what was happening around me or be compassionate. My bulimia was taking all my bandwidth, head space and energy that I couldn’t really focus properly on what was happening outside my bubble flooded with shame, guilt, health issues and destructive thoughts.

 

I was spending a fair amount of money on binge food instead of using that money to surprise my loved ones or to take care of myself.

 

If only I knew what I was going into the first time I managed to purge my meal… I don’t wish this nightmare to anybody.

 

 

I tried everything AND it took me YEARS to get rid of it.

But keep reading the most important is below…

 

Pauline-Hanuise-Malta

 

There is a good reason I am sharing all this with you today.

Actually there are 2 very good reasons:

 

The first one is to show you that if I managed to get from where I was to total freedom… by myself, there is absolutely NO reason you can’t manage to do the same. I know very well the vicious cycle of this dark illness that can make you question whether you really want to recover or not. This is called Stockholm Syndrome.

 

This endless questioning is all bullshits. Obviously you want to recover!!!

Otherwise you wouldn’t even think about stopping that behaviour. You’d probably even recommend it to your friends and family because life is so much better with bulimia…

 

You get the point, right?

So each time you’d wonder about that again, just stop it straight and kick this vicious thought process in the butt!

 

The second reason is to make you understand that it took me years of trials and self experimentations to reach total recovery. I had to go through relapses, I threw myself under the train too many times, and learned to understand how my own body and brain worked. It was not fun everyday!

 

What I mean by that is that it wasn’t an overnight process.

 

As much as I’d love to tell you that you just have to make the decision and get a good night sleep on it to wake up fully recovered, this is just not how it works! In most cases, it takes a bit of time.

 

I wish someone could have given me all the tools, techniques and details I now know and show me the way (to the next whisky bar?). I deeply believe that if I had found more valuable information in French (my mother tongue) when I was younger, I would have recovered much quicker… But I guess I wouldn’t be here to help you then ;)

 

After all these years of deep suffering and recovery, I knew my mission on earth was to make what I leaned accessible for anyone in a very well structured and efficient way. There was a clear lack and my goal is to fill the gap because a life with eating disorders is just NOT a life (I only discovered that after recovering, so trust me if you haven’t managed to compare yet!)

 

Some women magically recover overnight after falling pregnant (please don’t try this at home), some get a massive break-through and are able to shift things around in just a few days.

 

This was not my case!

 

I’ve had patients recovering in 12 months, others in just 3-4 months but in any case, it takes consistent action steps, commitment and overall the willingness to create something better and be your optimal self (may it be for you, for your family or for the world).

 

If you don’t think it’s possible and if you don’t want to create something better for yourself, I don’t see why you’d want to change nor where you’d find the motivation to do it.

 

On the opposite, if you know that something better is waiting for you, then the world is yours… and I am here to help!

 

This is the exact reason I’ve created the Make Peace With Food online program. This way you can have everything you need to make the move, stop binge eating and truly transform your life.

 

Even if I’d like you to join me and the other amazing women in the program (you can do so by clicking here), if you don’t, feel free to browse my blog and come back regularly. I hope you’ll find the piece of information that’s missing and that will allow you to move forward (I actually just wrote a powerful article to help you stop binge eating here).

 

Never give up because freedom, health and happiness feel so good and you don’t deserve anything less. I know you can do this. I believe in you!

 

Have you ever tried to recover?

If yes, what was one piece of information, one technique, one tool that really helped you move forward?

Share your experience in the comments below and never forget that what you share might be the exact thing someone else needs to read right now.

 

Love

xox

 

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This Post Has 6 Comments

  1. Miriam says:

    Very moving blog, Pauline ! that’s courageous of you. Bdw I just wanna say that people reading your blogs noramlly don’t judge….you are safe ;)
    One piece of information that helped me to shift a bit was a statement by a powerful woman that said: “Eat food that loves you back”
    Another huge thing was to understand that I was used to live in the cage of shame. When you are in it, you just feel unworthy, nothing more than a shit and you don’t know why. Story made short, the impuls is either to hide or to be nasty to other people (this varies on person to person). Toxic shame is very tricky and silently comes in less than second. Recognizing the shame feeling and differenciate it from others states was something revolutionary for me. Now the deal is to learn what to do with it….tips given to me are: just caring about me for a moment (could be 5 to 30 minutes…), ignoring what others may think and trying to not act at all. Maybe this description may help others to understand better….

    • pauline says:

      Thanks Miriam. I love your comment!
      It’s funny because a friend of mine, who also suffered with bulimia for years, one day gave me this book called ‘Toxic Shame’. This was related to our illness obviously. Did you read it?
      For me it was to ignore what people could think. Stand bold because you’re amazing as you are and nobody can judge you or do anything about it. And even if they did… hey? + taking car of yourself, accepting and loving yourself just as you are is definitely the best medicine ;)

  2. Ellie says:

    Thank you for sharing Pauline. Can’t believe how much a difference there is in 5yrs. I hope to say the same for myself in a couple of years! I didn’t get my ED overnight, so it’s not going to be reversed overnight. Healing takes lots of time and consistent effort.

    • pauline says:

      That’s true gorgeous!
      But I know something better is waiting for you and I am sure you’ve seen some changes since you’re taking care of it, right?
      Something I didn’t explain in details in the post is that most of the time, I didn’t realise I was making progress. I just kept going anyway. I can’t tell you how many times I thought I was going backwards… But one day, you’ll also be able to look back and see such a big difference.
      I encourage you to take notes, so very soon you’ll be able to notice how far you’ve gone ;)
      <3

  3. Tanya says:

    It took me ten painful years to really grow my eating disorder, and it took me another ten even more painful years to step away from it. It was not through multiple long term hospitalizations, psychiatrists, psychologists, or dieticians that got me through. To the contrary, ultimately it was through faith, intuition, self trust and a willingness to finally let go that put me on the road to recovery.

    • pauline says:

      Oh yes!
      Same here! It’s funny I was talking with one of my beloved patients the other day and she said something that was so true and related to that.
      She was realising how much people struggling with food are willing to ‘fight’ their issues. But this is the wrong approach. You can not find peace and balance by fighting constantly. You must first accept, forgive and love yourself in order for you to recreate balance and peace in your relationship with food… and with the world!
      Your body is your best friend and it does everything for you. We just have to love it right back ;)
      Heaps of love your way beautiful lady!
      xox

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